No-Go for No-Fap

I don’t know why mankind has been perpetually ashamed of masturbation. Throughout history, various anti-masturbation gurus have claimed that masturbation causes conditions ranging from eternal damnation in hellfire to mental retardation and hairy palms. Ancient cultures felt that semen contained the body’s “life force,” and that excessive ejaculation caused men to drain themselves of “vital energy.” During the Victorian era, Western cultures claimed masturbation caused madness and blindness, and people went to great lengths, including the use of humiliating and crude mechanical devices, to prevent their children from “polluting” themselves. The Catholic Church, since its inception, has claimed that masturbation is a “gravely disordered” act, and treats it worse than the offense of murdering someone.  Today, we have “fapstronauts,” those who claim masturbating (particularly to porn) causes brain damage and limp dicks. Oh mankind, why can’t we break free from archaic and senseless philosophies of the past?

I have a hypothesis about why men have a propensity to condemn masturbation. The hypotheses (which isn’t based in science, it’s just mental masturbation, get it, haha!) is this: Men feel ashamed of masturbation, because they buy into some  prescribed notion of masculinity that dicktates (haha! I make another funny!) wanking it = fail. You’re pathetic because you should only be using your strong, rock-hard manhood on some dumb chick with huge fake tits, rather than spilling your precious life force watching a video of a dumb, hot chick with huge fake tits. The badass guys with big muscles and ten smoking hot girlfriends are pointing at you, laughing, while you “fap” away pathetically in front of your computer. God is watching you from Heaven, stroking his white beard angrily, while taking notes and shaking his head in disgust. Men are simply just ashamed of wanking, and are willing to make it the crucifix of all their life’s problems. The male ego is fragile, and society’s standards for masculinity are pretty damn high.

Notice how you almost never hear women bitch about having problems with masturbation or porn? That’s because they’re either uninterested in porn (women aren’t visual creatures like men are), or they don’t masturbate frequently enough to be an issue. Or perhaps women are more cautious overall, and less likely to jump into cults that make promises that sound too good to be true – like the NoFap cult.

The NoFap cult is growing by leaps and bounds, driven by pseudoscience and misrepresented scientific data. Their leader, Gary Wilson, leads a horde of passionate and painfully horny “Fapstronauts” that decry pornography and any form of ejaculation that doesn’t involve a vagina. The cult claims refraining from “PMO” (porn, masturbation, orgasm) gives them mystical superpowers ranging from increased confidence, better social skills, increased muscular strength and regrowth of hair lost to male pattern baldness. Some cite improvements in their romantic relationships, and a completely changed outlook on life.

Of course, the movement has attracted fundamentalist Christians and Catholics, because it fits into their warped interpretation of the Bible, an interpretation which decries all forms of sex as disgusting and immoral.

I won’t doubt for a second that many of these Fapstronauts have made tremendous positive changes in their lives. Not wasting time wanking in front of a computer frees time to do more constructive activities. An increase in social skills can be had by simply swallowing your fears and forcing yourself to talk to more people, regardless of the outcome. Overcoming your fears builds confidence, and confidence allows you to increase your skills. If you want a girlfriend, simply talking to as many women as you can, and taking risks with them, will increase your skills with women, as well as increasing your chances of having sex. Hitting the gym will boost your sense of well-being, because exercise releases opioids in the brain that cause a sense of well-being.

Yet, Fapstronauts mindlessly credit their success to “NoFap,” rather than taking credit for making positive changes in their lives. They claim NoFap gave them superpowers that made them more attractive and confident, therefore increasing their success in life. Could it be your typical Fapstronaut was just persistently engaging in activities to overcoming their fears, and was successful? No, it was the nofapping. Definitely the nofapping.

People like quick and easy solutions. Especially ones that tie all life problems into one single cause. Whether we can pin our troubles on gluten, preservatives, meat, or porn, it doesn’t matter. Blaming your troubles on a single thing     allows you to only have to change ONE thing about your life, rather than many interrelated things. And when you change that ONE thing, it gives you a sense of control, a sense of empowerment that seeps into other areas of your life. Snake oil salesmen realize this and exploit this particular human weakness. People who are desperate, frustrated, envious and depressed will buy into almost anything to relieve their suffering. NoFap makes an attractive snake oil because it ties into the Puritanical Christian disgust towards masturbation, which pollutes the subconscious of the collective culture. AA does it too, claiming living the AA lifestyle makes you happy, joyous and free – never mind the five years of counseling and self-help groups you did on the side. Perhaps the desire to change, inspired by NoFap, is the single biggest factor in changing one’s life.

Maybe people could allow themselves to occasionally fap, maybe even to porn, while engaging in many other activities to enrich their lives and build their confidence? No, because moderation requires self-control, and people love to blame things outside of themselves, like porn and masturbation, for all of their life problems. For fuck’s sake, give up processed sugars instead. At least that would have a scientifically verifiable benefit, and you wouldn’t be so uptight and miserably horny.





The Presidential Election doesn’t matter.

Election season is here, and I am nonplussed by the talking head idiots on television, making empty promises to satisfy their legions of idiot sheeple followers. They spout party rhetoric, a mush of moronic catchphrases and sentiments aimed at the majority of Americans who possess no critical thinking skills. I’ll be doing my best to avoid the stinky saturation of election coverage oozing out of the idiot box.

Politics is bullshit, and the only reason anyone goes into politics is for power and economic opportunity. Public service, my ass. I guarantee you that no politician gives a shit about your life. They only care about your vote, because it’s what keeps them in power. They’ll promise you the world to get your vote, then let you down once they get into office.

They promise some silly things, too. The more free handouts they promise, the more the idiot sheeple salivate. There are innumerable fools looking to somehow personally benefit from an election turnout. I had some lady bitch to me yesterday about how the government has failed her, and how putting Trump in office might make her life better. Her life circumstances were tragic for sure, but I don’t understand how she thought the government was going to “help her,” regardless of who wins the election.

Who in the fuck wakes up in the morning and thinks to themselves, “Hmmm, how can the government help me achieve my goals today?” “How can the government help me wipe my ass?” “What is Obama going to personally do for me today? Why in the fuck hasn’t Obama cooked my breakfast yet?”

Sure, you can hand bitchy people money to shut them up. “You don’t understand how hard my life is, give me my fucking check!” The problem is, when you hand people money for doing nothing, it kills their motivation to overcome their difficult circumstances. When you artificially prop people up, they adjust to being “helped,” and can’t stand it when you try to withdraw their “help.”

Conversely, others believe if we can just elect the “right person,” our country will return to it’s glory days in the 1950’s, where aborting your baby meant prison time, and you could beat your wife without causing much fuss. Everyone will start a business and the economy will grow exponentially. People would pray to the “right” God. Your shitty entrepreneurial idea will “take off” because Trump will cut your taxes (which he won’t) and the Republicans will create “land of opportunity” for you. They’ll also burn books that are contrary to Puritanical values.

It doesn’t matter who gets elected in 2016. Everyone will wake up four years later and still be equally miserable with their lives. Everyone will still have problems. The world will still be an “unjust place.” As long as Americans make someone else responsible for their collective happiness, the longer they will remain a pack whiny turds.


Lynyrd Skynrd Sucks.

If it’s one thing that unites people, it’s shared hatred.  It’s even more unifying than finding common ground with someone, especially when you find someone that hates Lynyrd Skynrd.

I hate Lynyrd Skynrd. Every time I hear the opening riff of “Sweet Home Alabama” on the radio, it’s like nails on a chalkboard. It’s just as nauseating as hearing the intro to “Hotel California” by the Eagles. It takes me right back to being inside bars with drunken idiots and slutty girls, chanting “woo” every time the fucking song gets blasted out of the overhead speakers. As if you hadn’t heard its boring, bloated corporate sound for the thousandth time already? It gets played 50,000 times a day on Classic Rock Radio. The catch is, it’s not a good song; it got irritating the second time I heard it. “Free Bird” sucks, too. Listening to that twangy bullshit makes me want to tear my ears off. It’s like listening to the craptastic “modern country” that pollutes popular culture.

“Oh, give them a chance; you’ve only heard what’s been played on the radio.” Wrong. I bought a “Greatest Hits” compilation back when I was 13 and didn’t know any better. Lo and behold, it was garbage. The “non-radio” songs were boring and trite. I ended up selling the CD for money.

I don’t hate them because they’re Southern. I hate them because their music is boring and generic.

There is one great thing about Skynyrd: I at least get a little bit of physical activity when I have to reach for the knob on my stereo and change the station.